Unbeleivable what past since my last blog
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Rants and Rages

Well it seems that I haven't written in ages. Just logged in and read my last entry. I must have written that last post just before I read my email that some of the setudents were conspiring to send a petition of complaint to the AH department

On the other hand I think I can look at the incident without cursing or crying. Granted I am not the most experienced instructor or animator in the department, but the experience hurt because I knew these guys were young and immature, but I let myself be nice to think better of them. I used to worry what the department might think of me and what wouldhappen if I ran into these students outside school, but that doesn't matter now.

I think I got mad mainly because I was supposed to be the mature adult, but when I got to yell at these guys during the last class, I think it helped a bit for me to get these thoughts out in the open. Phil told me how his roommate freaked out, but then Phil told me that his rommate is rather high strung.

Nowadays I keep my distance from students, but that's the way it's supposed to be. Ironically I was most upset about the film studies paper and failing but I got an "A" for writing about internet animation.

Actually I don't get upset about alot of things, ie graduating in the summer without a clear job lined up, getting snubbed by the ReelFX animation director last week and not having a portfolio ready because I have to take all these classes and teach.

 Like I said, these things don't matter as much, perhaps because I've gone through this all before. I will find a job, just when and where is a mater of the Lord's will.

Time, I never seem to have enough of it, but so long as I can spend the evening with Jacob tonight... I am thankful for what I have now.  

Wow... it really hit the fan
Topic: Rants and Rages

Appears I really need to write.  What a weekend! I was pretty accurate predicting how hairy the remainder of the semester will be.

 

A quick assessment:

 

1)Currently taking a break from rewriting my Film studies essay. It was only when I turned in my paper that I realized that I did a terrible job on the paper. The intructor also thought so. However, she is letting me rewrite it so I am going to do mybest. -- I'm not doing very well in the class, and I know I need to do better. Espcailly with the final paper. Would like to try wirting another paper with the internet and "Art in the Age of Mechnical Reproduction," but I can't see how at the moment.

 2)Lighting and texturing class is not going well. One of the students was honest enough to email me a copy of the complaint that some of the students have with the class. I can't say that I blame them, but I would like to make sure that I address the issue without grinding the class to a halt. If that's possible. What the students say it true: I am not qualified to teach lighting and texturing, I have focused on animation, but on the other hand, if they do not want to drop the class, they must do the required assignments. 

 I have sent Midori and Dr. Linehan an email, I hope they will be able to advise me of the matter.

 3) Still too far behind on 2D project.

 4) Didn't get the ReelFX internship. (Don't know what would have happened if I did get it. Hands too ful!) Quite the nasty roll call that I need to focus on my demo reel or I'm really toast.

 

 On the other hand, I talked to Tuan and he told me not to sweat it. It's tough teaching class here. I believe it!

 I think a lot more effort on my part and prayer is in order.

 

 

My world.. so full of it
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Rants and Rages

Well... I never thought that I'd be writing while I'm irritated, but maybe it's better than talking on the phone where students can overhear me.

So... I finally got confirmation that my 3d clip got rejected by the ATEC showcase, but I have yet to hear about the Birdbrained tests.  However, given that I haven't heard squat yet does not bode well.

I saw this coming for my 3d stuff, it's just a rough, and I just wanted to get into character. The fact that it was debated whether it was really animation raised a red flag. Sheesh... it was good enough to show to visitors but not to a captive audience. Just goes to show how much bullshit goes around this place.

It should be enough the the Blue Sky rep liked it. Whether it can become something more complete is another issue. and I guess that's one of the reasons I'm preturbed.

Anyway, I'm more concerned that if and when the Birdbrained tests get rejected how it'll affect the work in the long run. I want to encourage these guys, not kick them.

On the other hand, rejection is just a part of life.

So here's my list of rants about this semester and my resolutions:

1) balance work, school and personal better

(keep to a steady scehdule and make adjustmentts according!_

2) not grouch to Brad

(not grouch to BRad)

3) keep comments about work and school to myself.

 

A new year with some of the same old...
Mood:  special
Topic: Rants and Rages

So it's almost the end of January and I've gone through another portfolio review, this time with Blue Sky. Although I was really nervous and part of my animation got cut off, the review went really well. The " I am not Anime" got watch twice by the reviewer and she said that I was on the right track with making more character driven work.

Quite an accomplishment since I've been in a total fog when it comes to making stuff people would be interested in. (Plus I didn't do any hardcore 3D aniation last semester.) Needless to say, Midori and Bruce are pleased. Especially when I told them how the recruiter asked about my email address and checked if I had ever visited White Plains New York. Seems she didn't ask that question to everyone, but I think that's because not everyone is graduating next year and she did get a headache as time wore on.

However, the most important thing is how I am going to church and dating Jacob. Go figure. I thought that we would part ways after a miserable meeting in December to watch Casino Royal on Friday. Three days later on Dec 12th, he came to my place and stated that he wanted to start dating.

We've been going on since then, however, it's not been official until we got parental permission and I started to go to church with him three weeks ago. Today was the first time he introduced me as his girlfriend and it felt very nice.

I'm trying not to blind myself to his faults or mine, but I feel very happy when we sit together in church.

My Mom is convinced that he's the one, but think time will tell. Who knows what will happen next year when I graduate. Maybe we'll be sick of each other by then, maybe we'll be even closer.

I'll be sure to post what happened on Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day. The later is when I attend his friends wedding and get introduced to his college friends.  I'm glad and surprised that he invited me to his middle brother's birthday party today. I'd like to meet the rest of his family, but even after a moth, it still seems a little soon. Hope that won't be the case next time.

 Think this will be a very different year, no matter what happens.

 

PS

Think I'm coming down with a cold now, wonder if I got it from Jacob or he'll get it from me! 

 

Time...
Mood:  bright
Topic: Rants and Rages

 

So, it has been a long time since I wrote an entry. Well, I'm still at UTD, but this time I 'm teaching beginning 3D modelling and working on a 2D short with some fellow classmates.  Should be ok, I hope. Progress has been slow, guess it's taking me longer to be an instructor and a student.

On the other hand, living in my own place has helped me feel less trapped at school. It has also created some interesting issues, and I don't mean paying bills. Although that can be a pill. No, I'm talking about having people over. I hed Marisol, Jocelyn, Micheal, Lillian and Jacob over. The last two I had over twice. However living own my own has affected my relationship with Jacob the most.

I guess since celebrating my last birthday together has really made him realize his feelings for me are more than platonic. Although I could have told him that kissing a female friend that intensely on the shoulders and forehead can't be attributed to wine.  It seems to have intensified the last month due to my cooking for his birthday at my place with Lillian's and his help.  'Course, now that I think about it, he was drinking again that night.

Anyway, I couldn't let him get away with showing that kind of affection when he had his emotional outburst a couple of weeks back. Although he claims that he was not feeling well, Jacob seemed to act pretty edgy when doing voiceover work for Brad, and it came to a head when he yelled at me while driving to the Big Easy and then having to hug me twice in front of Brad.

On Wednesday, I asked if he liked me and when he responded that he loved me, I had to press him for specifics. So last night we finally had a talk. 

He said that he did love me and that the only reason he hasn't pursued me is that he know that we can't marry. He knows my parents too well, it seems through my complaints.  

I can't say that I blame him. Even if he changed his mind, I don't think I could accept him. He's just too much for me to handle at times. That said, I sometimes envy Lillian's ability to do what she wants, although it seems lately she can't.

Hm... guess I should focus on schoolwork. Never enough time for anything fun these days.

Slowing down
Topic: Rants and Rages
So... even after deciding in April that I wanted out of the animation, I am still at UTD and taking my first summer class here. This has aroused all sorts of usual tension. My folks yelling at me for being so late and tacturn, me crying whenever they try to listen to me, them getting even more upset with my refusal to respond. It's a bad habit, but hard to break, as I'm suspicous that they'll just use my words against me like they have done in the past.

The upside is that my friend Marisol is getting married. I'm happy for her, or, lestwise not in my usual dark mood these days. Hearing of her impending marriage and Jacob's failing grandmother in the past two days has created a mixed bag.

Oh yeah, since I didn't back out of Siggraph, I'm set to attend Boston for the first week of August. If I don't have a teaching in English in Korea job by then.

God only knows what a weasel I've become. If I tried to talk to my folks more, I might not fight so much with them. Maybe?

Monster Amok
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Rants and Rages
Harryhausen's lecture did not turn out as expected. Not only did Issac get to attend the lecture, but he also got into the VIP lounge and got a signature and picture with Ray Harryhausen. Lucky Dog!

He was good enough to lend me his Incredible Hulk DVD for the mocap segments. To quote Issac, cool....

Diane didn't come becuase she was hanging out with her cousin last night. I'm going to give her a signed poster as an early present though. And I didn't have to drive UTD students Brad and Aron back to school. Midori and Bruce drove them back.

Jacob on the other hand...

The lecture did start at 8pm, but the film retrospective started at 7pm. When I found this out I not only emailed Jacob, a week ago, but also left messages on his cell and home phone the night of the lecture.

Like St. Patrick's Day, Jacob overslept and did not hear the phones ringing. When he did call back, he was not happy that not only was he late, but that I had to give up the seat I saved for him. (Until then, I held the seat for well over forty minutes until the lights went off.)He seemed to relax during the Q&A session, but grew cross again when I left my seat to stand next to him. He then relaxed at the autograph session and grew cross when I appeared to touch his poster.

So I began to poke him instead, until he told me to stop. -- I was starting to irritate him. BADLY!

We later apologized to each other by the time I got to my car, but he did say something odd to me. "I knew what kind of person he was."

That bothered me because it's was true and that he seemed not that repentant of his action. Then again, it appears that I'm recanting my apology now.

I'm not angry or sad anymore. Can't waste the time on it. After tonight, I'm going to just try to keep my distance from him again. It's not going to be easy, but then how can I expect otherwise. My life is a mess because I just won't leave.

So I shouldn't have told my Mom what I want to do outside of school. It seems in the effort to get by I've lost my quick wits in the process.

I am starting to read again. Hopefully that will be a good sign. Although I'm not sure why my memory is going.

I guess I just want to forget alot of my life.

Same old Kaos...er chaos
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Rants and Rages

Wow... I haven't written for over a month. That's pretty bad. Considering how I goofed off last week while the folks were attending Jean's wedding. Eric and Jocelyn were very sweet to email pictures of the wedding. I have to admit it, I think Jocelyn is a very good photographer.

so I'm back to the same old. Burning my mouth, trying to catch up on schoolwork. My review with Digital domain occurred on March 17th, St. Patrick's' Day. I was pretty tense given that not only did I get reviewed, but I also ended up driving Rachelle Lewis to the airport. she's OK, no nonsense though and for that reason, she's a bit intimidating. She's been cool enough to accept my resume and demo reel to forward it to the animation department for a possible internship this summer.

She said some nice things about my tape and she advised me to change the order of my clips. I suppose I should have known, my Package Man strut actually made students behind us laugh!

Oh well, from the height os anxiety I was tossed into the pit of despair. The following week I heard the guy from Rhythm and Hues talk. He pointed out how tough the field was and that many animators don't work beyond their forties. This didn't alive my worries about work, particularly since Issac was notified of getting laid off three weeks earlier.

Add to that I'm getting older and I don't think I will have kids... well you can see how easily I feel into a funk. Mom yelling at me later that night didn't help matters. The only funny, frustrating thing about that outburst was how she said that it's my life, do what I want to do -- only to be told an hour later that I should still stick to school.

The weird thing is how David is echoing the same sentiments. I don't worry about him,and perhaps I should, but we've both been without good jobs for such a long time, worrying seems superfluous.

Anger seems also moot. Last night when Vanessa said that she was changing the format of Andoll-- without notifying me first, I didn't feel angry. I did feel surprise when Midori asked of my opinion.

Personally I don't know what to say or think about the matter. On one hand students struggle to learn new programs and master design skills so a certain amount of leeway should be allowed for final projects. On the other hand, had this been a professional job, we would both have been so screwed. Vanessa and I are grad students. So we should have been more organized than abunch of undergrads. However, how Midori treats her us is at her discretion. Now that I got my 4.0 GPA back. I'm fairly cool with what happens.

Would like to hope that I hear good news for the summer, not sure though... not sure of anything at the moment.

If I don't watch it... I might as well be reviewed on the Ides of March
Mood:  sharp
Saturday was kinda crazy. I was up at school working on the mocap files. Redoing characterization on motion builder is OK. Repetition helps with memory.

On the other hand I had to break up a debate between Vanessa an and undergrad about the making Jane Austen into an interactive game. Personally I don't care one way or the other, but I can't stand noise. Amazingly, no one seemed peeved at me, but had I stepped in sooner would I have spared myself a headache?

One wonders....

Anyway, I also saw Jacob that night and we watched HBO's Rome. We didn't do anything else aside from that. I suppose I'm too tired to fight with him these days.

It's been hard to concentrate on my review. Thinking about alternatives to animation does that to me. I am going to apply to as many internships this summer as possible. Some will pay, some won't. I can only hope they will give me a response by May so I can move on from there.

Whatever that is... and I mean it this time. I can't believe that I'm doing and complaining the same old things. Shit.

I'm pretty convinces that I will have to do something to change everything this summer. Otherwise it will be the same old thing for the next ten years.

It's just the Sound anf Fury...signifying all but meaning nothing
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Rants and Rages


So the last two days have been pretty unnerving because I'm not exercising enough and must ratchet up my animation for the rescheduled review. It was pointed out last night that this new date falls on St. Patrick's Day. -- If I don't get our of this rage funk soon and hunker down, the luck of the Irish won't help.

So basically since Monday I have been sulking because I got blown off by Jacob and yelled at by Marisol -- Well, it turns out that Marisol wasn't yelling at me, but over the situation I've been embroiled for the past ten years. I should have known better, that she wouldn't turn into my worst critic. Turns out that I'm just too sensitive these days. Sheesh.

I worry that I'm just saying and doing the same old things and expecting a different result. Truly there are only tow options, I do the same thing only better than before or just walk away.

The walking away appeals to me, but it really scares the hell out of me. It just does. I mean I failed when I was in law school, if I fall now I won't be able to turn to anyone for help.

Now I know that's not really true, but the phantom of doubt sure does linger!

Anyway, I should be going. I need to revise my list of animation to do for this reel. I've been thinking on a theme: stairs, two walks down, one walk up. A lip synch scene and a fight scene.

Assuming I can correct the remaining snippets: pug run, hoop jump and box push.

alternatively, I could do a fake out fetch with the girl and pug or PM and pug.

Will work on both tonight.